Tricky Wicket

Evoking a crisp country morning, with wool at your chin and the smell of wet hay.

Month: November, 2012

Going Viral

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare forsooth, forthwith, and with malice aforethought that heretofore in the above matter pertaining to privacy, by the authority vested in me by the state of Louisiana, the Pelican State, that my copyright is attached to all of my personal odors, doodles, witty status updates, blogercise videos, etc. [as a result of the Balfour Declaration). For commercial use of the above, the prior written consent of Major League Baseball is commanded by Der Kommisar! 

Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. This will place them under protection of The Imperial Royal Guard. By the present mimeograph, I notify Facebook that it is verboten und ungezogen to skywrite, shadowpuppet, performative dance, or derive butt pleasures against me on the basis of my profile and/but/so its ingredients and shameful bits. The aforementioned prohibited also apply to employees, friends of employees, havers-of-one-night-stands with employees, etc., c.f., w/r/t., under Facebook’s mindspell or operating thetan. The content of this profile is super serial and super secret. The violation of my privacy is punished by laws (NCC-1701: Search For Spock and the Writ of Mandamus).

Facebook is now a constitutional monarchy. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this modified version. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your Farmvilles, your pictures of Thanksgiving dinner, and that one video of your dog wearing a hat. You’re just asking for it and may God have mercy on your soul.

Job Interview Sketch, Take Two

Image

A: Can you tell us why you want to work at Georgia National Trousers Inc?

B: Well, I noticed you guys have a drink machine.

A: Yes, we do. In the break room.

B: Right, and drinks are 75 cents. At my old office they were a dollar. I figure I can save a lot of money on Diet Dr. Pepper here.

[INT: Office. Four people sitting around A DESK. This is a JOB INTERVIEW.]

Image

Now if you don’t mind, may I ask a couple of questions of you folks?

I really appreciate the time you’ve afforded me here, and I’m super interested in the position, but I need to make sure that Georgia National Trousers Inc. is the right place for me. Yeah, you know, environmentally.

Okay, so first thing: I ride my bike to work. Is it going to be a problem for me to just kind of lean it against my desk?

Yeah, in the office.

I mean, it’s a really nice bike.

Don’t worry, it sort of folds up.

Into, like, a smaller bike.

Okay, yeah. The stairwell totally works.

Would you say the dress code here is pretty casual?

I’m not thinking anything crazy, it’s just I have this weird thing about shoes. I can do them for like ten minutes but after a while they really start to mess up my energy flow.

Now, part of my lifestyle is polyphasic yoga. Is that going to be an issue?

Really?

Weird, there’s like ten studios in Minneapolis.  

Okay. So it’s this thing where you do yoga, but for only about four minutes every hour. Super not a big deal, I’m just going to need a soundproof space, nothing more than twenty square feet.

Yeah, soundproof.

Well, that’s more for your comfort. Sometimes–not always–but sometimes it gets a little primal and I can’t really be held accountable for what my subconscious tosses out. I’ve been told there’s a lot of stuff about race, I guess?

But again, it’s just four minutes every hour.

Now do you guys have recumbent desks?

Who generally DJ’s the office soundsystem?

Really, none at all? Okay.

What about apple cider vinegar service? Is it delivered or should I just submit that as a reimbursable?  

What about employee open mic nights?

Your aura is darkening, so I’m going to speed this up a little.

If I wanted to set up a sort of sunlight simulation chamber around my workspace, would that be a problem? I get super crazy seasonal affect disorder sometimes.

Um, my pet pug only has one eye, and so he gets pretty anxious when he’s alone. Can I bring him to work with me? He’s super in touch with his emotions.

If you were to express the work environment here in one Power Ranger, which one would it be?

That’s a Ninja Turtle, but I think I know what you mean.

Again, I want to thank you again.

Just one more question: if I were to just sit at my desk all day with Outlook open on one of my monitors, and quietly and steadily doing the low-level tasks that come my way, could I just coast through my days clock-watching and fucking around on the Internet, hoping that someone in the office says anything at all about a book or an album or a movie so I can re-engage that part of my brain again for just ten minutes, and maybe slip in a tiny bit of literary theory into the conversation, just so I can pretend for a moment that I hadn’t wasted years and thousands of dollars of someone else’s money in school developing analytical apparatuses that I’m starting to worry just ended up making me less happy and more alienated from society as a whole and left me with a whacked-out sense of esteem and a set of really oppositional and iconoclastic tastes?

Great, yeah.

I’ll start on Monday then? 

Things People Do Not Say

1. In a lot of ways, Sufjan Stevens reminds me of my father.

2. Can you do that thing, where you drum along to the song with two pencils?

3. Don’t worry, it happens all the time. I always forget to tell people that I’m gluten free.

4. To be honest, we hired you because of that baja hoodie you wore to the interview.

5. While I do enjoy anime above all other genres, I will admit that I prefer the dubbed versions to the subtitled ones.

6. If this small-press literary journal is going to succeed, we need to stop organizing the issues around vague thematic clusters.

7. Okay, my blog is, on its surface, about organic food and maximizing our organizational potential, but really, I recognize it’s about howling existential dread.

8. We’re having a Twin Peaks and Tyler Perry’s House of Payne marathon.

9.  As a Californian, I always say: whatever, it’s just a fucking burrito.

10. I’m sorry. I do not have any pictures of my corgi.

No. 4, In Bitter Sharp

GloSymCoWee Has Started!

Total Collective Note Count for 2012: 239,264,288

The Foundation for Frivolous Endeavors is pleased to herald the kickoff of Global Symphony Composing Week! GloSymCoWee is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to symphony composition! Participants begin composing on the first Friday of November. The goal is to write an extended musical composition of four movements (or 48 minutes) by 11:59:59 on the following Thursday night.

Valuing sheer volume of sequenced sound over musty old ‘craft,’ GloSymCoWee is a symphony composition program for everyone who has ever thought fleetingly about composing an entire symphony but has been scared away by the years of theory, practice, and thought involved in the endeavor.

Let’s face it: anyone can write a symphony, as long as they keep putting notes on staff paper. It’s not rocket science! Remember that Mormon woman whose derivative erotic etudes, based on Liberace, were adapted for the London Philharmonic Orchestra? She’s a millionaire, now!

Our ultimate goal at GloSymCoWee is to devalue—no, democratize—formal musical composition to the point of shabby volunteerism, so that sad interns are playing behind Amanda Palmer for free. Make all of your friends sit through your meandering sonata, because you listened to some Sibelius once, and that pretty much qualifies you.

If all goes to plan, graduates of music academies will feel that their training was totally in vain, a quaint but common skill, fodder for the ‘hobbies’ section of their resume.

Because: the Internet and shit!