[INT: Office. Four people sitting around A DESK. This is a JOB INTERVIEW.]

by trickywicket

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Now if you don’t mind, may I ask a couple of questions of you folks?

I really appreciate the time you’ve afforded me here, and I’m super interested in the position, but I need to make sure that Georgia National Trousers Inc. is the right place for me. Yeah, you know, environmentally.

Okay, so first thing: I ride my bike to work. Is it going to be a problem for me to just kind of lean it against my desk?

Yeah, in the office.

I mean, it’s a really nice bike.

Don’t worry, it sort of folds up.

Into, like, a smaller bike.

Okay, yeah. The stairwell totally works.

Would you say the dress code here is pretty casual?

I’m not thinking anything crazy, it’s just I have this weird thing about shoes. I can do them for like ten minutes but after a while they really start to mess up my energy flow.

Now, part of my lifestyle is polyphasic yoga. Is that going to be an issue?

Really?

Weird, there’s like ten studios in Minneapolis.  

Okay. So it’s this thing where you do yoga, but for only about four minutes every hour. Super not a big deal, I’m just going to need a soundproof space, nothing more than twenty square feet.

Yeah, soundproof.

Well, that’s more for your comfort. Sometimes–not always–but sometimes it gets a little primal and I can’t really be held accountable for what my subconscious tosses out. I’ve been told there’s a lot of stuff about race, I guess?

But again, it’s just four minutes every hour.

Now do you guys have recumbent desks?

Who generally DJ’s the office soundsystem?

Really, none at all? Okay.

What about apple cider vinegar service? Is it delivered or should I just submit that as a reimbursable?  

What about employee open mic nights?

Your aura is darkening, so I’m going to speed this up a little.

If I wanted to set up a sort of sunlight simulation chamber around my workspace, would that be a problem? I get super crazy seasonal affect disorder sometimes.

Um, my pet pug only has one eye, and so he gets pretty anxious when he’s alone. Can I bring him to work with me? He’s super in touch with his emotions.

If you were to express the work environment here in one Power Ranger, which one would it be?

That’s a Ninja Turtle, but I think I know what you mean.

Again, I want to thank you again.

Just one more question: if I were to just sit at my desk all day with Outlook open on one of my monitors, and quietly and steadily doing the low-level tasks that come my way, could I just coast through my days clock-watching and fucking around on the Internet, hoping that someone in the office says anything at all about a book or an album or a movie so I can re-engage that part of my brain again for just ten minutes, and maybe slip in a tiny bit of literary theory into the conversation, just so I can pretend for a moment that I hadn’t wasted years and thousands of dollars of someone else’s money in school developing analytical apparatuses that I’m starting to worry just ended up making me less happy and more alienated from society as a whole and left me with a whacked-out sense of esteem and a set of really oppositional and iconoclastic tastes?

Great, yeah.

I’ll start on Monday then? 

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