1. Grandma, don’t be a dumbass. They aren’t called recipes anymore. They’re called food hacks.
2. Girls? I’ve never heard of it.
3. Can you do me a solid? Please don’t tell anyone you saw me running this marathon. I’d like to keep it quiet.
4. Yeah it’s really good to meet you. Yeah. Hey, let’s not talk about work tonight! No it’s just been a super long day! Um, I’m in the media field, I guess? … I write for a website. You’ve probably… Okay, fine, fuck: I work for Buzzfeed.
5. 8 Fucking Judgmental Assholes I Met At A Party Last Night Who Won’t Return My Texts.
6. Honey, if you’re going to the farmer’s market can you grab a big bag of zucchinis? I want to store ’em at the back of the crisper, let those fuckers liquefy, and then throw them out.
7. Do you guys have any novels about the intellectual and sexual escapades of fifty-year-old American Jewish males? You do?! I can’t believe my luck!
8. No, there’s not really that much to know. I mean, it’s just bartending. I make people drinks, for Christ’s sake. It’d be pretty silly for me to take it really seriously.
9. Americans shocked to learn important man acts like every single man they have ever met.
10. Honey, if you’re going to the mall, can you grab me a copy of The Antonio Gramsci Reader? If they don’t have that, just a large bag of wedding-cake-flavored popcorn.